Relationship Tips

By Dr. Angela Bowers

     “We just don’t communicate anymore”.  Does this sentiment sound familiar? It’s the most common phrase couples use when they come in to my office for couples counseling. Perhaps a more accurate description might be that each of them is experiencing loneliness and a sense of disconnection, often even within the context of a loving relationship.

     When women feel disconnected they often experience anxiety, a sense of isolation and fear. When men are disconnected from their partner they report feeling ashamed and like a failure. He often feels too ashamed to understand her fear, feeling responsible for it, and she frequently feels too fearful or anxious to understand his shame.

     Women seek closeness when fearful. The more they talk about their concerns, the closer they feel. On the other hand, men lower their stress by distraction (work, tv, computer, hobbies) and emotional shutdown. By understanding these processes, it makes it easier to accept them and allow the other to respond according to their needs.

     Below are five useful tips for sustaining healthy relationships according to Dr. Terry Real and other marriage therapists.

1.      Don’t insist on who is right. Objective reality is for science, not for relationships. Each of you is right from your own perspective.

2.      Do not try and control your partner, but only your own actions and thoughts.

3.      Frequently non-restricted and uncensored venting is not therapeutic. If you need to vent, do so in private.

4.      Retaliation is not healthy. Direct retaliation is vindictive and indirect retaliation is passive aggressive behavior, both of which are unhealthy.

5.      Withdrawal, over time, leads to indifference. Take time to think, recharge, or diffuse anger by telling your partner why you’re taking space and make a promise to return.

Couples, who have been together a number of years, frequently stop treating each other as friends. Remember  to save more than only the “emotional leftovers” for your mate. Sometimes it’s the littlest things that can make the biggest everyday difference, such as a touch, a smile, a warm hello upon coming home. Take time for each other, not matter how busy you may feel you are. Never take your relationship for granted.

Angela Bowers, Ph.D.

Clinical Psychologist in private practice on McCormick Ranch
10304 N. Hayden Rd  Ste 1
Scottsdale, AZ 85258
Phone:   480-629-8882       
http://www.ArtofTransformation.com